User blog:ChromastoneandTabby/Why
Why did I start writing? I was bored. I felt trapped. My life was less my own and more a constant flow of other people living through me. I wanted to feel like I was in control. So I wrote. I shaped myself into the hero I always wanted to be, clumsy as my craftsmanship may have been. It wasn't real, so things didn't actually get better. But they felt better. So I kept writing. Eventually, I stopped. Things were just getting worse and worse at an astounding rate and my passion for the fake world I had created crumbled under the pressure. Eventually, I began writing again. I desperately wanted direction in life, and returned to my old comfort zone of creating false worlds to immerse myself into. I wasn't very good, but that didn't matter. Nobody cared about what I wrote, but that didn't matter. I cared about what I wrote. That's what mattered. Somehow, somewhere, a few people began caring about what I wrote. That was nice. It wouldn't last, but it was nice all the same. Somewhere along the way, I think I forgot my passion. I want to remake my old ideas to do them justice. But do I really? I want to see my new ideas blossom and flourish even if they start out half-baked. But do I really? Why do I want to tell stories? What am I really looking for here? Is it admiration? I used to think so. It seems like everything I do nowadays is for admiration. I try to put my passion in places it doesn't really exist. I want to rewrite my old stuff so people can admire it. I want to make cool new things so people can admire it. I haven't created a true passion project since Rebooted. I used it as a means to work through my depression and criticize myself from an outsider's point of view. But then I just decided I wanted to do something for the sake of it being cool and accepted by other people. Hence Star Spirit. I created characters and ideas with a lot of potential, and I want to do them justice. Justice for them or justice for the audience, I'm not sure, but justice all the same. But I can't remember the last time I did myself any justice. I created Tech 10 from a place of personal meaning. Eventually it lost that meaning and I lost interest. I put personal meaning back into my work with Rebooted. But that ended with Star Spirit. All of my other ideas since then have just been half-baked cool things that don't actually carry any personal weight for me. Even my other projects have turned into dead weights. When I started CaT Reviews I wanted to help people get in-depth feedback and make people laugh. It was tough, but I kept going. Nowadays I can do it without any issue but it just feels empty. The CaT Gazette started because I had a genuine interest in giving people news and getting my voice out there. Now it just feels repetitive and empty. I know people enjoy reading it, but I don't think it's actually important to anyone by any means. I've been making the mistake of thinking just making a cool thing for the sake of making a cool thing was good enough, but it clearly isn't. I managed to push myself through making an entire series without any personal passion, but I think I used up all of my energy to do so in the process. How do I figure out a story I'm really passionate about? How will I know how to write it? How will I know if I should write it? I don't know. I don't think anyone else could tell me. I guess I'll just keep moving forward and see what happens next. I think that's the only thing I really can do. Maybe the only thing any of us can. Merry Christmas. Category:Blog posts